Feedback on Erik's brand pamphlet

This is too long to be accepted as a comment. Therefore, I am posting it as a full blog entry

I realize that I’m probably “not the intended audience” for this because my idea of being a “patron of the arts” is limited to over-tipping bartenders and buying used Bob Dylan CDs. However, since I’m “70% asshole”, I think I have some comments that may be helpful to someone trying to break into the Advertising world. Also, I edit grants and such at work.
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Page 1 (“Logo”):
-Line 4: No comma after “suggests”.
-Lines 5=>6: Replace “hedonistic things” with “hedonism”, or find some noun besides “things”. Perhaps “hedonistic activities”?
-Line 18: No comma after “visible”.
-Last two paragraphs: Switch the clause order (“If the logo is on a color other than white, a white outline must be used…”
-Line 22: Replace “+” with “and”.
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Page 2 (“Ideology”)
-First paragraph: Clarify “connected by geography and the Internet”. What does “connected by geography” mean? I assume it means “living and working in the same physical community”. If so, find a clearer way to say this.
-Line 9: Replace “various people” with “its contributors” or “its associates” or “its consumers and promoters” or similar. Avoid vagueness.
-Line 10: Replace “it’s” with “its”. Remember, “It’s” means “it is” or "it has", Mr. English Major.
-Second paragraph: One can “search for meaning” or conclude that “the world has no meaning”, but one cannot search for “lack of meaning”. Change the first sentence to “Menthol’s branding reflects its examination of existential questions in the contemporary world and in the context of the Internet”. It is understood that existential questions relate to meaning or lack thereof. Avoid redundancy.
-Line 16: Replace “unstoppable” with “inescapable” or similar. Voids are not generally recognized as “active” entities. What is a void “doing” that cannot be stopped?
-Line 18: A comma is needed after “satanic”.
-Third paragraph: Replace “should not get in the way of” with “will not interfere with” or “must not interfere with” or “does not interfere with” or similar. Avoid words like “should”.
-Line 28: Be consistent with italicization and capitalization of “menthol” when referring to the brand.
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Page 3 (“Color”):
-Line 1: Remove “for the most part”. This is implied by the qualification in Line 2. If you want to make a bold statement, make it.
-Line 5: Replace “like” with “such as”. Also, perhaps you should change the sentence on Lines 3=>6 to reference “color-coding of links” instead of “clicked links”, which sounds awkward.
-Line 7: Delete “either”, since no “or” comes later in this sentence. Also, consider deleting “very”, since you essentially describe the degree of basicness anyway.
-Line 11: Delete the comma after “self-referential”.
-Second paragraph: Rewrite this. The phrase “from a color standpoint, speak for themselves” is confusing. Consider saying something along the lines of “Menthol U.P.’s objective is to disseminate original text and film. As these media rely upon black and white, the use of color should be limited…”. Also, “stand-point” is not hyphenated; it is a single word.
-Line 36: You misspelled “ambiguity”. Also, avoid using slashes to indicate “or”.
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Page 4 (“Font”):
-Line 1: Delete “both”. You cannot use this word when listing three things.
-Line 4: You misspelled “company”.
-Fourth paragraph: Be consistent in using commas and the word “or”. Never use “or” more than once in a single list. Never say “A or B, C, or D, E, or F”. Say “A, B, C, D, E, or F”. Also, you may want to find some way to set apart the names of these fonts.
-Lines 12=>14: Change this sentence to “In both online and printed media, readability and minimalism are of paramount importance”. At the very least, change “is” to “are” on Line 13.
-Line 15: Replace “and” with “a”. Also, strengthen this sentence. Never say “probably find funny or at least recognizable”. Say “will recognize and find funny”. Be like a candidate running for office: no politician says “if I become president”; everyone says “when I become president”.
-Lines 20=>21: Replace “it is completely OK to substitute for” with “it is acceptable to substitute”. You do not need the word “for”.
-Sixth Paragraph: Replace the first sentence with “Text size should be adjusted to meet the needs of publication” or “Text should be sized as appropriate for the context of the publication” or similar.
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Page 5 (“Design Sample”):
-Line 2: Replace “possibly” with “arguably”.
-Line 3: Replace “anti-religions” with “anti-religious”.
-Line 5: You can’t use “both” when making a list of three things, Erik. Come on. Just delete the word.
-Line 6: You misspelled “amateur” as “armature”.
-Line 7: If you have a comma after “to”, then you need a comma after “headline”. You can have commas in both places or neither place, but you cannot just have a comma after “to”.
-Line 10: Replace “typical young people” with something more specific. Perhaps something along the lines of “existentially fucked post-collegiates”.
-Line 21: Delete “will probably”. Be assertive and confident.
-Line 27: Delete “all”.
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Peas out.

At work I get paid $16/hour to do almost exactly this sort of editing, except I’m less abusive and deal more with footnotes and charts.