Top Ten List

I know erik likes these so happy new year bra.

Best Ideas of 2009
10. drinking legally is weird
9. atheism is buddhism without a history
8. antidepressants can make you psychotic
7. christianity is a rehabiliatative mental operating system
6. girls can't not fall in love if they have an orgasm
5. "i can't wrap my head around that at the moment"
4. the average smile is faked
3. dont let anyone read your p-p-p-pokerface
2. people dont know how to coordinate social events


1. LOL sike- there are only 9

epic fail?

i think maybe we (or just 'i') failed to make this blog into a good community. now we really need to 'pick up the pace' and do something really important. nobody ever posts any 'response posts.' let's figure this out in the comments.

as i re-read this i care less.

i'm watching tv right now.

i just said 'is this an italian horror film?'

my mom was like 'the DP is french.'

and then i didn't say anything.

i just thought 'i feel distant from addison and bobby.'

maybe i'm leaving seattle 4ever this time.

seems really pivotal.

hope there are some new internet memes this year.

feel really behind on memes.

what if there are no more good memes.

FOUR THINGS

"status update"

no emails
no new messages

i tried really hard to produce something worth noticing
but all i have now

are feelings of expanding violently
and becoming thinner, bubble-like

and waiting for something vast and trendy to cover me
and send me deep underground

////

"vintage eating disorder"

danish nipples in the bedroom light
the 1920s in brooklyn air
seasonal changes in eating habits
strange faces on the dance floor
from some old flame gone dark

outside of town by the train tracks
i saw a scene from an old tv show
where the two villains and the two lovers
decide to get some food together
at a diner, it's 3 am,
before they fight to the death
by an old quarry
and then i think of the movie garden state
and i want to throw up

but instead we go have pizza
and drink ourselves through the weekend

/////

"this looks really cool"

i could write something here

everyone already uses this i think?

i could write something like "tropical vacation gone very wrong via ape incident"

or "i remember we endured a total meltdown at the office"

in the future, i plan to use this Google Document thing

to crystallize secluded, semi-private feelings spaces

/////

"Warner Home Video"

when it goes on there is a hiss,
a glowing ripple at the top.
"i've got a feeling we'll watch this drunk eventually," i said.
now,
at three in the morning, with something else playing in the background
i'll look at you
and look back at the screen
feel confused
and then settle into something familiar

there will be weird shades of NTSC color
like the time you told me
something i couldn't hear
and i didn't say
"wait what did you say?"

Makeup

There are two ways that men can learn about makeup. I define these below:

1. "Positive Discovery", involving seeing someone who "never wears makeup" wearing makeup for the first time.

2. "Negative Discovery", involving seeing someone who "always wears makeup" without makeup for the first time.

I am taking a survey. Comment about how you first learned about makeup.

NOTE: This survey is intended only for bros who were clueless in middleschool/highschool. If you were gay, involved in theater, or otherwise non-clueless during the aforementioned periods of your life, then this survey may not apply to you and it is possible that you learned about makeup in some other manner.

Decade In Review:

2000 - Listened to to Saves the Day, Bad Religion, Millencolin, Pennywise, and Greenday. Stopped reading Tom Clancy books. Read some Vonnegut, Orson Scott Card. Did not enjoy middle school. Memory not very clear.
2001 - Continued middle school. Saw Fight Club and felt 'blown away.' Experimented with violent video games. Listened to Thursday, Finch, Thrice, and Taking Back Sunday. Went on some family Vacations to Canada.
2002 - Moved schools and began high school. First day someone asked "are you emo or something?" Decided to say "Yes" in response. Started listening to metal. Went to first underground metal shows. Read Neuomancer by William Gibson. Started to understand the internet. Discovered indie pop.
2003 - Read Hemingway. Refined anti-social behavior. Went to punk teen center often. Listened to hardcore music. Started DJing parties.
2004 - Read The Hipster Handbook. Felt very smug all the time via being two to four years ahead of mainstream culture.
2005 - 'Got stoned' for the first time. Developed sleep disorder after reading Grapes of Wrath.
2006 - Read Jorge Luis Borges. Wrote first novel Carraway's Suburbia based on liberal reading of The Great Gatsby. Graduated from High school. Went to Europe. Got drunk in Croatia. Watched films by Jim Jarmush and Wong Kar Wai. Moved to Seattle from the Eastside. Took psychedelic drugs. Began doomed college relationship.
2007 - Listened to electro. Started to blog often. Read hipsterrunoff. Went to China to study film. Ended doomed relationship. Read Joseph Conrad and Herman Melville. Worked in Seattle club promotion. Rejected from American Apparel interview for lack of elegance.
2008 - Had a good relationship, ultimately doomed. Discovered Tom Waits. Went to 2+ concerts per week. Compiled second novel 4233 7th Ave. from blog posts.
2009 - Read Fredrick Barthelme. Graduated from college. Moved to Oakland. Worked at American Apparel for 2.5 months. Wrote I Am Happy That You Are Grappling With My Life Choices. Directed Sorry I Like To Party.

Edge of Darkness

We walked along the ocean beach at Golden Gardens. The wind blew from the north, cold and constant. We drank Rainer beer from 16oz cans. It was the longest night of the year.

"What are you doing tonight?" I said to my phone, earlier in the night.

"Nothing man," said Steve.

"Do you want to go do something? It's the Solstice."

"Yeah man. I need to go to dinner with my parents."

"OK. I have a car. I'll come around 9."

I took my parent's car and drove to North Seattle. I parked it outside of a gray apartment building built in the 1970s. My friend was not back from dinner yet. I went to hang out with my other friend, Phil who was also Steve's roommate. Phil was playing a vintage RPG on his PC.

"What game are you playing?" I asked

"Knights of the Old Republic."

"Seems like really immersive gameplay."

"Yeah, this version has pretty good light saber battles. I can show you."

I watched Phil for a while, while sitting on his bed. Then Steve got home. He told his parents to watch a movie while we went out. They were staying in the apartment for a few days before they went back home to Vancouver Washington. Phil and Steve and I went outside to the car. The sky was yellow and it was windy.

In the car, we got excited and listed to a Dead Kennedys tape.

"Saturday was fun," said Steve.

"You got wasted," I said.

"Do we know where we are going?" asked Phil.

"Let's just go to the beach. We can have a drink later. It's good to be outside on the longest night of the year," I said.

"OK. It's gonna be fucking cold," said Phil.

"We can go for a little while," said Steve.

We listened to the tape and drove through Ballard. The streets were empty. It was too cold and too dark for anything very interesting to be happening. The bars off market seemed pretty good.

After a while we got to the neighborhood near Golden Gardens. We parked above the park and walked down the hillside. The trail was very dark and unlit. We tripped and stumbled.

"I hope I don't wake up an angry homeless," I said.

"Are there any homeless out here?" said Steve.

"We are talking loud. They will be angry," said Phil.

From the path we could see across the sound. The glow from towns on the other side of the water was very visible, through tall, leafless trees. Below us, a giant parking lot seemed meaningfully empty. It was lit by enormous yellow streetlights.

At the beach the wind was very cold. We opened our beer.

"I'm just going to drink a little and have some Arizona mango tea," I said. "I need to drive."

"Let's walk along the beach," said Phil.

"I wish I had some gloves," I said. I looked at the dark water beyond the beach. There were some hippie parents having a family ritual by a bonfire. I wondered if they gave their kids acid. There was some younger kids making drug noises. We kept walking along the shore, away from the light of downtown. There were many dark places, the ocean, the trees on the hillside, the area farther north along the beach. 'There's nothing out there' I thought.

The train came by heading to Seattle from Vancouver. It was bright and loud. We could see people inside the dinning car, which was the brightest one.

"I bet they can see their food really well," said Steve.

"What?" said Phil.

"Let's go get another drink at a bar," I said. "I'm getting really cold."

We drove through North Ballard, through endless neighborhoods. Many houses had Christmas lights on them.

Top Ten Best Films of 2009

1. The Hurt Locker - undeniably perfect war film
2. Shrink - perfect film about depression and los angeles w/ kevin spacey
3. Moon - perfect film about robots/space/corporate culture
4. Fantastic Mr. Fox - not perfect just extremely cute. ideal date movie.
5. District 9 - most innovative writing/plot/mise en scene
6. State of Play - best 'power corridors' film
7. Avatar - stupidly good images, creepy sexual tension between aliens
8. New Moon - ridiculous good use of female gaze/bad dialog
9. Star Trek - not fucking up a classic
10.Where The Wild Things Are - kind of weird and slow at times

feel like there where more than usual (was actually able to make a list of ten that all had some merit/would actually recommend, minus where the wild things are, which was just OK/pobably kinda cool stoned.

REVISED 2000-2009 best artists

12)Taking Back Sunday - high school
11)Deerhunter - music is 'how i feel most of the time'
10)Modest Mouse - hometown choice
9) M83 - drugs + feelings
8) These Arms Are Snakes - hard noise for locals
7) Air - soundtrack to feeling medium
6) Ladytron - Marxism and one night stands
5) Sunn o))) - noise for dying
4) Outcast - music for the living
3) The Microphones - PNW best folk album ever
2) Strokes - last albums of the 20th century
1) Radiohead - seems retarded, brilliant

ten things i want to write about if i can stop eating my parent's food

'home for the holidays' so i might want to catch up on things that need addressing:

1. story about buying weed for my mom
2. story about my dad getting a 'sick flat screen tv'
3. 'feelings about seattle'
4. ode to bars in north seattle
5. 'feelings about oakland'
6. horror mystery based on VHS tapes that have recently 'surfaced' called 'lo-fi death'
7. black metal love poetry
8. confusing atheist explanation of christmas ritual
9. three really good porn scrips
10. really profitable ad copy

watching jay leno right now. might die or have a beer.

back to seattle jam

Amazing Book

http://www.amazon.com/You-Know-Who-I-Am/dp/1440417091/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1260656109&sr=8-1

'REALISTIC SEX'

THAT PIZZA WAS REALLY GOOD.
I KNOW. DO YOU WANT SOME TEA?
YES. I'M COLD.
I CAN TELL.
IF WE HAVE SEX MY TOES WILL BE COLDER BUT I WILL BE WARMER.
I CAN'T TELL IF I AM STILL DRUNK.
I AM.
WE JUST HAD SEX.
I KNOW.
DID YOU CALL IT PIZZA?
I DON'T REMEMBER.
IS THIS THE SEX THAT PEOPLE ACTUALLY HAVE?
WHAT?
YES.

Did you know that there is an increasing problem in this country regarding people not having proper documentation? Nearly every night on the news there is a 'breaking story' of improper documentation being exposed.

I fell on the ground when I heard this. Yes, there is a recession. Yes funds are tighter in all sectors. But does this excuse the lack of proper documentation? N-O.

Recently, we have witnessed budget cuts across the board but the exponential growth in the lack of proper documentation reflects the fact that things have gone too far, Mr. Politician.

Jesus. If we took all of the money the media spends on covering this topic we could certainly eradicate it. Just imagine how many MLA Handbooks that would buy, I can't even wrap my head around how many copies of the Chicago Book of Style it would purchase.

Instead of having creepy old men handing out copies of Gideon's Bible at a court-ordered distance from public schools(sorry, my bad on thinking that was a good idea), there needs to be creepy old men handing out any number of the certified handbooks that outline the criteria for proper documentation.

I recognize that this is too much to ask of the school system/government to take this on due to their ever-increasing debt due to providing those 'hot lunches' to the portly youth of America. That's why we, the unemployed, generally indifferent, college educated 20-somethings need to fight back in the name proper documentation.

Next time you see a semi-colon used where a colon belongs, raise your voice. Next time you see a quote that is longer than three lines, that isn't given an extra line of leading above and below it, 2 inch margins on both sides and an asterisk leading you to a footnote citation that is then documented in greater detail in an attached annotated bibliography, let everyone know that you won't stand for it any longer.

Let's change the world, through the internet. Because as it turns out, none of us are that into interacting with people, just proper documentation. And Eggos. Apple Cinnamon Eggos.

prophetic video from august

this blog just past 700 page-views a week

i think someone really liked the 'best of 2000-2009' list. cool.

let's not let it go to our heads.

everyone post about losing their virginity.

everyone re-post on facebook 2 get more hits.

luv u.

karl video and bunch of my friends are in [via p4k]

PIZZACORE IS COMING

Best Music of 2009 / 2000-2009

2009

10) Girls - best sexual politics embodied by music
9) Shunga - oakland art politics
8) Pains of Being Pure at Heart - no politics
7) Teengirl Fantasy - politics of dancing
6) Salem - heaviest shit since rap-metal
5) Best Coast - having feelings / boy crazy
4) Wavves - douchepunk / pizzacore
3) Naomi Punk - supergroup
2) Shannon and the Clams - best friends forever music
1) Washed Out - feel nothing and everything at once

2000-2009

10) Deathcab - hometown choice
9) Interpol - felt gown up for the first time
8) Thursday - best soundtrack to hating yourself in middle school
7) Air - soundtrack to feeling medium
6) Ladytron - Marxism and one night stands
5) Sunn o))) - noise for dying
4) Outcast - music for the living
3) The Microphones - PNW best folk album ever
2) Strokes - last albums of the 20th century
1) Radiohead - seems retarded, brilliant

HAIRY HUNX OF OAKLAND CALENDAR SHOOT TONIGHT

we did some test shooting yesterday. top photo is lauren, the photographer.

the brown stops here

the toilet in the apartment i'm subletting is broken, for the second time.

i actually wish this guy was coming out of my toilet so i could still use it but instead it just won't flush. and by 'not flush' i mean a whole lot of shat (past tense of shit, not as though it's ceased to be shit but it's shit that has been expelled and flushed, only to return to a place where it's face is no longer welcome and to be perfectly honest i'm not even sure if it's mine. it all looks the same, please keep that to yourself, the shat would be very offended if it found out i was stereotyping. we had our good times but they've passed and the shat needs to move on. mayhaps find a hobby, i heard sudoku is challenging and addicting) backs up into the bowl.

so, since there isn't a man with a goatee and pit stains smiling aggressively at me whilst tearing my toilet seat in half, i am without a place to relieve myself inside my apartment.

don't get me wrong, piddling off of the roof (during normal business hours) and releasing water waste off of the fire escape (during the wee hours of the night) is a great way to pass the time but it is starting to lose it's luster. i no longer giggle like a school boy going down a slide during recess. but rather just scratch my head and break wind, like my father.

i've tried spicing it up by attempting to hit objects, or even reverting back to the old gag of 'no hands'. but i'm afraid that performing my bathroom duties just aren't 'blowing my skirt up' anymore.

so now that going to the bathroom is no longer fun, i'm currently stuck trying to relieve myself by sneaking into businesses without purchasing any of their goods and/or services (a guy can only drink so much coffee, read so many magazines and have the oil changed on someone else's car so many times before not only the employees of these businesses begin to ask questions but the man doing these things does as well).

such as:

'should i rent a portapotty to put on the roof?'

'if i smoke this cigarette now, will i make it to school before i dirty my trousers?

'will people notice a portapotty on the roof?'

'why do i insist on eating mexican food so much?'

'is it possible to ensure a portapotty won't be tipped by a strong gust of wind?'

'is johnny depp really hooking up with angelina jolie?'

'do i have to put down a deposit on a portapotty?'

and lastly, 'why can't the plumber fix the toilet?'

i'll tell you why.

because there is a damn pigeon stuck in the mainline and it will cost $350 which i do not have. now if you'll excuse me, i have to go dump my bed pan into the courtyard of the building.

http://www.boozecats.com/

look them all.

smugly consuming cats AS IF there is nothing wrong with it.

"it's a good way to meet new people"

"it's how my friends and i bond"

"it helps me get laid"

and the age old excuse "everyone is doing it"

you poor bastards. i know you're young and much of what you do is influenced by The MTV but c'mon. do you realize what all that cat hair does to your small intestine? or what happens when all that dander builds up in your stomach?

you look down upon those with 'pet allergies' and turn them into outcasts for not being able to partake in your ritualized celebration of bad choices. you act as though they would be better off dead but don't hold a non-hypoallergenic pillow over their faces just yet.

when all of your insides seize up and you find yourself on your hands and knees hacking up hair balls for the rest of eternity, those 'outsiders' you ridiculed for sipping on a hairless canadian (aka sphynx) on thirsty thursday, they will be the ones you need to reach out to for help.

but before you do, be sure to wash the cat hair from your hands before your groveling begins or else we're all really screwed.

and if that isn't enough, think of those poor cats raised on farms strictly for your 'cat pong', 'cat stands', 'flippy cat', and let's not forget the despicable 'kitty power hour'.

sorry i like to party poster

click for full size